oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
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“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.