[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
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wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.