Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.