I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
wishing you and yours all the best
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*