Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
You Might Also Like
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me trying to reach for my goals
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
lol
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.