I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.