Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.