The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.