[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
A friend helps you before you need it
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.