*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
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I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.