“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”