Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Always leave them wanting their money back.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.