The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
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Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Merry Christmas
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.