HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship