I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
You Might Also Like
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I feel seen
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?