Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire