I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
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Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Happy Taco Tuesday
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Shortcut
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.