What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote