If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base