Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
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Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.