The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
In case you needed to hear it:
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
every college guy’s fridge
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
when nothing goes right… go left
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.