him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*has no idea what a book even is*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
time for some seasonal decor
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.