Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
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I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦