Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
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I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Traveler’s camo
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Well, that didn’t work.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
hmm conte-me mais
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My plans: 2020:
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.