Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
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If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Rt to bother an English speaker
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover