I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
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CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”