the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*