She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation