13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
This story is comedy gold 😂
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Wednesday
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good