you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
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I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I didn’t come here to be called names
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
That earthquake could have been an email.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.