I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
You are what you delete.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.