Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
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[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!