*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
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I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Can’t stop laughing
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
my mom making me talk to relatives
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate