– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
This might be me.
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson