I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
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Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
2 years later
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?