Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
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[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house