[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
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If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
water it, i dare you
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.