my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Just a reminder, folks:
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
wut hotdog?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy