[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
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If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
😂😂😂😂😂😂
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
When he asks for feet pics
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.