wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
You Might Also Like
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.