The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…