ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
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“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I came this close!!!!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said