I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
You Might Also Like
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
never deleting this app.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.