Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Beware of the dog..
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears