I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
how was your vacation
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
This was the best day of my life
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off