How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Go hard or stay average
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.