Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
This is painfully accurate 😅
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.