Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
crazy
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.