The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Did…did a minotaur write this
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart