i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
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The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Every haunted house movie:
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.